Sunday, June 28, 2009

"God grins"

I thought I'd lighten things up today, I want to talk about something I call "God grins" [these are little perks the Lord sends our way simply because he loves us.] Some I call "holy cheats" and I have gotten a lot of these. A holy cheat is when God gives you a freebie [like when you let your young child win a game because she doesn't really understand the rules.]

I always start my Christmas shopping in October because I like to be done before the stores get too busy. This past year I decided to cut back on spending and I told the Lord I was going to leave Christmas to Him this time. That very month I started getting gift cards in the mail. I was literally bombarded with them. My birthday is in October and a bunch of stores sent me gift certificates so I shopped all month for free. One day I got a Macy's card in the mail, it said Shhh-Its a secret and it said to bring the card into the store and you could win $10, $20, $50 or even $500 dollars. I pulled into the parking lot, looked up and snickered at the Lord "Ahh,Lord I won't ask this of you" [He can read my mind so there was no use pretending that I didn't want the $500 dollar card. God grinned back at me and instantly I knew I had the $500 card. So ...I went into the store and tried to look surprised when they scanned it and told me it was the $500 winner. Oh, and by the way I got one from JC Penny too [for $15] and on October 13th when I went in to spend it the clerk who signed my receipt was named Fatima. Coincidence? Maybe.
But I call them "God grins." THANK YOU, LORD.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The pit

Years ago I had a terrible nightmare, I was sludging around in the muck of hell and there were demons surrounding me. I think God was warning me about the state of my soul [I had other nightmares similar to this.] This is what I wrote about it.

Alone in this pit
I stood
staring at the walls.
Was there no way out?
not then, it seemed.
I tried once
but slipped on self-pity.
So, I stayed and lived on sour grapes
for a long, long time.
One night they came for me,
demons of grief and despair.
But I hid in the corner of my mind
and fooled them all,
or so I thought
till I heard them laughing at me.
Was there no escape?
I tried again
would have made it that time
but bitterness grinned down at me
settled his weight on my shoulders
I fell hard that time
I tried to crawl away but
got tangled up in the arms of defeat
and lay there , right next to fear.
Breathed his foul scent
while he mocked me with
my own weakness.
I raised my head and saw
Hope reaching out to me
I placed my hand in His iron grip
and He never, ever let go.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Holding my Fathers hand

I decided to write this blog because I know alot of people are struggling with sin in their lives and I thought that writing about my journey from a state of dis-grace to a state of grace may be of help to others who may be in a state of mortal sin. When I was younger I used to keep a journal as a way of releasing some of the pain inside me. The suffering I felt was immense because spiritually I was wallowing in the muck of hell. But God the Father loves us immensely and never gave up on me. Calling me by name He drew me up from the pit and holding His Hand I will tell you our story.

When I was child I always felt God's presence in my life, I used to pretend to be a martyr for the Eucharist like Saint Tarcisius who was one of my favorite saints. I loved Blessed Kateri and I would read my favorite poem about her constantly. I went to a Catholic school and loved learning about God. My problems didn't start until I was a teenager in a troubled household. I stopped going to confession and the sin in my life began to snowball. I became afraid of God the Father and hid my face from Him. I was also angry at Him because I blamed Him for the ugliness of the world. I fell deeper and deeper into sin and that's when I started my journal.Tomorrow I will write one of the entries in my journal , I was young when I wrote it but it shows the grave state of my soul.